DaXueYingYu - English Jokes

You don't understand my needs

nospam@example.com (Hugo Diaz) — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 03:18:27 -0400

Why do all these jokes have to make women look bad? Anyway this was funny.

I never quite

urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have

figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the

passion starts to

heat up, and she eventually says “I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said “WHAT?? What was that?”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet

dreads to hear: “You're just not

in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to

satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my

puzzled look by saying, “Can't you just love me for who I am not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I

opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed

department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to

compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of

diamond earrings. Let me tell you; she was so excited. She must have thought I was

one wave short of a shipwreck . I started to think she was

testing me because she asked for a

tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I

threw her for a loop when I said, “That's fine, honey.”

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited

anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let's go to the

cashier.”

I could

hardly contain myself when I

blurted out, “No honey, I don't feel like it.”

Her face just went completely

blank as her

jaw dropped with a

baffled “WHAT?”

I then said “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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Rare condition

nospam@example.com (Hugo Diaz) — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 03:18:01 -0400

A man and a woman are sitting

beside each other in the

first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue,

gently wipes her nose, and

shudders quite

violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is

shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man becomes more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can

handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you

sending me signals, or, are you going crazy?”

The woman replies, “I'm sorry if I

disturbed you. I have a

rare

condition and when I sneeze, I have an

orgasm.”

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, “I've never heard of that before. What are you

taking for it?”

The woman looks at him and says, “Pepper.”
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That's impossible

nospam@example.com (Hugo Diaz) — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 03:17:30 -0400

An 85-year old man is having his

annual

checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling to which the old man replies, “I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's

pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know of guy who's an

avid hunter. He never misses a

season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally

grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the

woods near a

creek and suddenly

spots a

beaver in some

brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the

beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM!!!! The

beaver drops dead in front of him.”

“That's impossible!” says the old man in

disbelief, “Someone else must have

shot

that beaver .”

The Doctor says, “My point exactly.”
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I shot the dog

nospam@example.com (Hugo Diaz) — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 03:17:02 -0400

A woman

pregnant with

triplets was walking down the street when a

masked

robber ran out of a bank and in his

haste accidentally shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The

surgeon decided to leave the

bullets in because it was too

risky to

operate. The woman later gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room

in tears. “What's wrong?” asked the mother.

“I was

taking a tinkle and this bullet came out” replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. “Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.” Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. “It's okay” said the Mom, “I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.”

“No,” said the boy, “I was

playing with myself and I shot the dog...”
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Dear technical support

nospam@example.com (Hugo Diaz) — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 03:16:26 -0400

Dear

Technical

Support,

Last year I

upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new

program began

unexpected child

processing that took up a lot of space and

valuable

resources. No

mention of this

phenomenon was included in the

product

brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0

installs itself into all other

programs and

launches during

system

initialization where it

monitors all other

system

activity.

Applications such as Fishing-weekend 10.3 and Bowling-bash 2.5 no longer run,

crashing the system whenever selected.

I can not seem to

purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but

un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Andrew Simpson.
--------------------------------
To: Mr. Simpson,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a

primary

misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is

merely a “

UTILITIES and

ENTERTAINMENT” program.

Wife 1.0 is an

OPERATING SYSTEM and

creator to run everything. It is impossible to

un-install,

delete, or

purge the program from the system once it is installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system; look in your

manual under

Warnings:

Alimony /

Child

Support.

I

recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just

deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire system regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must

assume all responsibility for

faults and problems that might

occur.

The best

course of action will be to push apologize button, then

reset button as soon as

lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the

blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but is very

high maintenance.

Tech Support.
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